Focus on the Good – 7 Ways to Minimize Caregiver Stress

Caregiving can take a lot of your energy. It may not be the first caregiving task that sends you over the edge but over time, the ups and downs of helping your parents amongst other responsibilities will have an impact on you. Many millennials are balancing a myriad of tasks whilst caregiving —new parenthood, buying a new home, paying off student loans, career development & growth—  At some point, you may reach your breaking point after months of accumulated stress. Don’t let it get that far! 

To maintain your sanity you have to build your toolkit of self-soothing techniques that help you manage caregiver stress preventatively and in the moment. Remember to put your life vest on first. Take one or a few of these actions over time and you’ll thank yourself down the line (and so will your parents, friends, children, significant others & random people who are spared of your wrath).

Above all, the best thing you can do before a stressful caregiver event is deepen your love and care for your parents by proactively creating space in your heart to appreciate them while they’re on Earth. 

1. Document your gratitude – Say thank you, be thankful! Gratitude is one of my key values and science suggests that people who write or even think about 3 things they’re thankful for daily are happier. The parental twist you can put on this is to focus your gratitude on your parents. Showing gratitude helps you appreciate your parent(s) and focus on the good in them. 
   • Write a gratitude letter – Carve out 10 – 20 minutes and write a letter to your loved one letting them know what you appreciate about them. Even if you don’t send it to the person, you will feel boosted happiness. Bonus happiness points if you read it to them. [Gratitude Experiment] 
   • Keep a gratitude journal – Write down 3 good things before, during and after your next call or visit – Before you head home, write 3 things you’re thankful for. During the visit, write down three things you’re thankful for (ideally every day). After the visit, write down 3 things you’re thankful for and share it with your family. You’d be surprised the little things you remember and capture when you’re being intentional about thanking. 
2. Get in touch with your why – When tasks are long-term and difficult, getting in touch with your why can be such a helpful exercise. Taking time to reflect on why you’re stepping up to help your loved ones will help you stay grounded and build resilience.
   • Fill in this prompt
     1. I want to help my parents because I think it is important to  ______, _______, & _______. 
     2. I choose to help my parents because I value  ________
     3. Helping my parents now will help me feel ___________ when __________
   • Once you determine your why write it down and post it somewhere you’ll see it often. (Post-it note on the mirror anyone (Being Mary Jane GIF)
3. Journaling – Journaling has three key benefits that can help you navigate your caregiver journey: relieve stress, boost memory, & enable self-reflection. Journaling relieves stress by enabling you to brain dump your worries and anxieties. When you write something down you’re more likely to remember it. Journaling about your parents helps you track memories. It’s also a way to reflect on your relationship, a difficult conversation, a surprise from your parents. Take some time to journal about your parents with these prompts?
   • What is your favorite memory with your loved one? 
   • What traits do you see in yourself influenced by your parents? How do you feel about them?
   • Journal about your favorite memory
   • Journal about the similarities you’re starting to see in yourself 

4. Loving Kindness Meditations – Meditation has so many benefits for your life including reduced stress, improved focus, and overall happier existence. In loving-kindness meditation, you first practice compassion to yourself through an intention or affirmation and then you imagine a person of focus and then concentrate on 1-3 things you love about them. Try this for just 5 minutes and I promise you, you will feel more connected to your loved one. 
   • Headspace
   • Calm

5. Therapy – Therapy works wonders. I’ve been in and out of it over the years mainly because it’s hard to find a provider who you click with and who works with your schedule. Try to use a few sessions to discuss your relationships with your parents, areas where you feel stuck, and common patterns you see yourself repeating. You’d be surprised what having a sounding board can do for unlocking new insights about yourself.
   • Find a therapist via Psych Today
   • Try out an online-based therapist like Talkspace
   • Check your health benefits. Many employers are starting to include access to mental health benefits including no/low-cost therapy.
6. Give them their flowers – Our loved ones won’t be here forever so give them all your love, thoughtful gifts, and time that you can while they’re around. Creating more memories with your parents is what thoughtful caregiving is all about. Try out one of these ideas:
   • Go the extra mile with classic milestones – For our wedding I bought a handkerchief embroidered with a message for my mom. It didn’t cost much but it made the day so much more special for us both. 
   • Celebrate a milestone birthday big – Been meaning to plan that milestone birthday trip or family vacation. Don’t wait! If Covid has taught us anything it is to make trips happen now and not wait. 
   • Make a photo project like a calendar  – The older our padres get the more they love photographic gifts. Go nuts! Calendars, mugs, candles, puzzles, large prints of you as a child. They’ll love it all. Shutterfly and Walgreens Photo are my go-to vendors because they’re quality, quick, and affordable. 

7. S-T-O-P – In the moment, stress may be hard to manage so it’s helpful to have some calming tools you can utilize when your patience is tested.
   1. S – Smile 😃
   2. T – Take a few deep breaths 😮‍💨 
   3. O – Observe as a 3rd party 🧐
   4. P  – Practice compassion for yourself and your loved one 💞
8. Interview your parents! – Growing up we tend to view our parents with one specific lens. If we’re lucky we build out more versions over time as our relationship develops. To deepen our connection to our parents and better understand where they’re coming from you should interview your parents. Some parents proactively share information but for others, you’ll have to dig to get to know them more. 
   1. What was their favorite class in high school? 
   2. Who was their crowd in high school? Or college? 
   3. In retrospect, what were some big decisions they navigated? What did they learn? 

Sometimes what drives the most stress is the unknown and the reactive nature of caregiving. Planning with your family can help here. Check out the Parental Unit Action Plan for clear steps on how to Use these self-soothing tips to manage your caregiver stress and show up like a pro for your loved ones.